Ephrom Josine's Well Regulated Militia

Well, my country's national holiday is today. Yes, today is the 4th of July. Considering our Canadian correspondent J.P. Savard wrote a piece about Canada's national holiday, it's only natural I write one about mine. 
So, in honor of our biggest national holiday, I figured I would honor our constitution. As an American, I know everyone's favorite part of the founding document is the second amendment of the Bill of Rights. Which goes as follows:

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

So it was then it hit me what the best way to celebrate my country is. I'm going to create "a well regulated Militia". It's very important that the Militia is well regulated. In fact, the Militia, unlike Banks, must be well regulated. 
But why create one? Doesn't it seem like nothing more than trouble? Well no. You see, I've made a lot of calls to action with this blog. So I think it's time I officially make a group to enforce them. In fact, I can think of 5 reasons to create this new group:
1. Make sure all protectionists who talk about Roger & Me saw it less than 30 years ago. I know we won't need to start enforcing this until 12/20/19, but it's good to get this out of the way early.    
2. Pressure Donald Trump to start fighting the Axis of Evil. This is only by request of John Bolton. 
3. Scare Sean Hannity. Not for real reasons of course, that would clearly be too far. Just scare him for irrational reasons, such as saying that "We should improve America somewhat". 
4. Get Dinesh D'Souza to understand what the Kinsey Scale is. I don't have any joke for this one, I just think it's a good idea.   
5. Give people more quarters just in case a libertarian becomes president.  
However, as already stated, the Militia must be well regulated. But don't worry, I took care of that. It's very well regulated. How well regulated? I gave it 15 regulations for people who want to be a member to follow. If you want to join, you must obey.
1. Humans are allowed by default. Fantasy creatures are also allowed, you all are cool. Aliens are allowed if you are from a planet, no star creatures. And no vampires, period. They scare me too much. Werewolves are allowed, except on nights that have a full move. They must leave and rejoin the next day.   
2. You must have been born at some point in the past. No time travelers from the future are allowed. 
3. You must be able to tell the difference between a pro-Trump Republican and an anti-Trump (Jeff Flake, Bill Kristol, or George W. Bush). Little and nothing are both fine, and correct, answers.  
4. You must be able to name more Trump appointees then you can characters on "Full House" or "Fuller House". You are allowed to just not name any charters on either show.  
5. You must own a TV. You don't ever have to watch it, you just have to own it to prove you keep in touch with the modern American.   
6. You must read at least one article in The Daily Wire, Townhall.com, or Breitbart at least once a week to keep an eye on the enemy. For this reason you must also listen to at least one segment (or 10 minutes) of Hannity or The Ben Shapiro Show. You are allowed to just listen to people make fun of them instead. 
7. You must admit music has never been "original", nor has Hollywood ever "had ideas". You just remember the best ones from your time, awful products existed in the same quantity they do now. 
8. You must not only know how to tie a knot, but also be oddly proud of it. After all, that's how it works in the Boy Scouts and they are one of the most popular groups in United States history. 
9. You must know at least one Billy Joel song. This has nothing to do with politics, I just really like Billy Joel. 
10. You must not pretend that "all natural" or "organic" diets are in any way better for you. That has been long debunked. 
11. You must be able to name at least one of Donald Trump's failed marriages. His current one is allowed. 
12. You must only look at your phone when you're doing something on it. Using it while talking to other people is fine, but don't just look at the menu. Henry Kissinger is not going to text you.
13. If you wear Skinny Jeans or Jean Skirts you are on the same level of Werewolves. You must leave while wearing them and you will only be able to return once you have taken them off. 
14. You must always have a lot of quarters with you. You never know when the roads are going to be privatized. 
15. You must still believe in climate change while it's snowing. 
So, if you can pass all these regulations, you may join my militia.    

Throwback: David Koch Runs For President

Note: This is more or less an updated text version of a video I made in January 2018. You can watch it here if you so choose. This post have been overall improved since the original version and as such is the definitive version.  
You ever heard of a libertarian. I don't blame you if you haven't, after all they typically aren't considered a big threat in our political sphere. However, despite what libertarians would have you believe, there is one group of people that love them, big business. David Koch ran as vice-president on the Libertarian ticket in 1980, it's as bad as you think. Those who watch The Thom Hartmann Program may know about this (watch it here), but Bernie also posted it on his website (read it here).
So what does it say? Well let's find out together.

We urge the repeal of federal campaign finance laws, and the immediate abolition of the despotic Federal Election Commission

So right of the bat we see where the Koch brothers lie of issues. They're spending $400 million and the midterms by the way. So of course this is going to be on the list. 

We favor the abolition of Medicare and Medicaid programs

I guess 45,000 people every year isn't enough for the Koch brothers. To be fair I don't think they don't want people to die, I just think they really don't care. Also I'm going to be skipping some of these to keep from repeating myself.

 We favor the repeal of the fraudulent, virtually bankrupt, and increasingly oppressive Social Security system. Pending that repeal, participation in Social Security should be made voluntary

Senior poverty only went down because of Social Security, yet they seem to ignore that. But even then, Social Security would work if they stopped spending the money (notice how no other country has to deal with it going bankrupt). 

We support the eventual repeal of all taxation 

Tfw you try to make Reagan look moderate on taxes. Of course this would lead to a boom-bust cycle, of course these people don't care. 
Also remember people, low taxes are good for everyone and not just the rich. Trust David Koch to tell you that. 

We advocate the complete separation of education and State. Government schools lead to the indoctrination of children and interfere with the free choice of individuals. Government ownership, operation, regulation, and subsidy of schools and colleges should be ended.

Because private schools never lead to indoctrination.

We support the abolition of the Environmental Protection Agency

Would you like some Koch brand smoke with that air? Also here's there opensecrets.org page if you're curious. Notice how many of them deny climate change.  

We demand the return of America's railroad system to private ownership. We call for the privatization of the public roads and national highway system

Anyone who knows how the toll road system worked during the industrial revolution knows how this will end up. Mainly, a large amount of toll roads. Hope you have quarters with you. 

We advocate the abolition of the Food and Drug Administration

Go to the supplement industry for your medicine if you really think that's a good idea. 
I think you get the idea at this point. Just be happy these nuts have basically no influence when it comes to actual policy.