Ephrom Josine's Well Regulated Militia

Well, my country's national holiday is today. Yes, today is the 4th of July. Considering our Canadian correspondent J.P. Savard wrote a piece about Canada's national holiday, it's only natural I write one about mine. 
So, in honor of our biggest national holiday, I figured I would honor our constitution. As an American, I know everyone's favorite part of the founding document is the second amendment of the Bill of Rights. Which goes as follows:

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

So it was then it hit me what the best way to celebrate my country is. I'm going to create "a well regulated Militia". It's very important that the Militia is well regulated. In fact, the Militia, unlike Banks, must be well regulated. 
But why create one? Doesn't it seem like nothing more than trouble? Well no. You see, I've made a lot of calls to action with this blog. So I think it's time I officially make a group to enforce them. In fact, I can think of 5 reasons to create this new group:
1. Make sure all protectionists who talk about Roger & Me saw it less than 30 years ago. I know we won't need to start enforcing this until 12/20/19, but it's good to get this out of the way early.    
2. Pressure Donald Trump to start fighting the Axis of Evil. This is only by request of John Bolton. 
3. Scare Sean Hannity. Not for real reasons of course, that would clearly be too far. Just scare him for irrational reasons, such as saying that "We should improve America somewhat". 
4. Get Dinesh D'Souza to understand what the Kinsey Scale is. I don't have any joke for this one, I just think it's a good idea.   
5. Give people more quarters just in case a libertarian becomes president.  
However, as already stated, the Militia must be well regulated. But don't worry, I took care of that. It's very well regulated. How well regulated? I gave it 15 regulations for people who want to be a member to follow. If you want to join, you must obey.
1. Humans are allowed by default. Fantasy creatures are also allowed, you all are cool. Aliens are allowed if you are from a planet, no star creatures. And no vampires, period. They scare me too much. Werewolves are allowed, except on nights that have a full move. They must leave and rejoin the next day.   
2. You must have been born at some point in the past. No time travelers from the future are allowed. 
3. You must be able to tell the difference between a pro-Trump Republican and an anti-Trump (Jeff Flake, Bill Kristol, or George W. Bush). Little and nothing are both fine, and correct, answers.  
4. You must be able to name more Trump appointees then you can characters on "Full House" or "Fuller House". You are allowed to just not name any charters on either show.  
5. You must own a TV. You don't ever have to watch it, you just have to own it to prove you keep in touch with the modern American.   
6. You must read at least one article in The Daily Wire, Townhall.com, or Breitbart at least once a week to keep an eye on the enemy. For this reason you must also listen to at least one segment (or 10 minutes) of Hannity or The Ben Shapiro Show. You are allowed to just listen to people make fun of them instead. 
7. You must admit music has never been "original", nor has Hollywood ever "had ideas". You just remember the best ones from your time, awful products existed in the same quantity they do now. 
8. You must not only know how to tie a knot, but also be oddly proud of it. After all, that's how it works in the Boy Scouts and they are one of the most popular groups in United States history. 
9. You must know at least one Billy Joel song. This has nothing to do with politics, I just really like Billy Joel. 
10. You must not pretend that "all natural" or "organic" diets are in any way better for you. That has been long debunked. 
11. You must be able to name at least one of Donald Trump's failed marriages. His current one is allowed. 
12. You must only look at your phone when you're doing something on it. Using it while talking to other people is fine, but don't just look at the menu. Henry Kissinger is not going to text you.
13. If you wear Skinny Jeans or Jean Skirts you are on the same level of Werewolves. You must leave while wearing them and you will only be able to return once you have taken them off. 
14. You must always have a lot of quarters with you. You never know when the roads are going to be privatized. 
15. You must still believe in climate change while it's snowing. 
So, if you can pass all these regulations, you may join my militia.    

Is The Democratic Party Being Taken Over By Socialist?

No. What do you mean that can't be the whole column? Okay fine, I'll humor this idea.
With the recent victory of Alexandra Ocasio Cortez against Joe Crowley, many think that socialism is taking over the Democratic party. I guess we're supposed to forget every Democrat since FDR was president has been accused of being a socialist because this time it is true. Roosevelt will abolish capitalism, I mean Truman will abolish capitalism, I mean Kennedy will abolish capitalism, I mean Johnson will abolish capitalism, I mean Carter will abolish capitalism, I mean Clinton will abolish capitalism, I mean Obama will abolish capitalism. And they all benefit from capitalism as well. It can't be they don't actually want to abolish capitalism, they're just hypocrites. 
But again, let's pretend this isn't just people who take Joseph McCarthy a little too seriously and actually analyze these claims. Sure, Nancy Pelosi denied it, but she's Nancy Pelosi. She's only one of the highest-ranking Democrats. What does she know? Instead, we should trust noted smart man Charlie Kirk.

The Marxists have taken over the Democrat party

 Again. These Marxists must be really bad at taking things over. I mean, they've been taking over the Democratic party for over 80 years and we still haven't had a single Democrat run on a Communist platform. 

They do not want borders, immigration enforcement, or protection of American citizen status

 Karl Mark: Anarchist. Although, it's funny because communist societies have been the most focused on borders. Just ask the East Germans about that one.

The Democrat party of old is dead

 Tell that to Dinesh D'Souza. 

These Democrats hate the idea of America, freedom, and our way of life

 As opposed to the Democrats of before who *checks history* supported slavery. 

We must defeat them 

Wait to be civil.
But don't worry everyone, Sean Hannity managed to make a list of everything Cortez stands for. He did so good that Alexandria said she may use it in a campaign ad. Did I mention Sean was trying to make Alexandria look bad? But what exactly scared Hannity so much:

Medicare For All

You know that thing basically every other first world nation has. Most of them have far better healthcare systems by the way. Oh, and 45,000 die every year due to lack of basic healthcare.

Housing as a Human Right

There are more empty homes than homeless people. Oh, and the war on homeless people costs more than it would to give them a basic home. Even if the idea is kind of vague, you can't just shove the idea of "let's give people houses" under the rug like that. 
Really, most of these are things that a lot of people can get behind. For god sake, "mobilizing against climate change" is one of them. As if remaining on the earth and keeping it inhabitable is something controversial.
You know what, it's clear the answer is no. So how about instead of wasting your time I just show you some funny reactions. You guys like that? Good.
David Brat went on Fox News to compare Cortez to the USSR. Which is odd because I never recall Cortez saying she wants to abolish profit or private property. I do recall Republicans saying she said that though.
Steve Schmidt, a former GOP strategist, said she was a "dishonest progressive". The MSNBC host even said, "it's time for the center to rise". Like what he did under Obama, and now Republicans control all 3 branches of government. Schmidt even compared her to Trump. Clearly, it's a losing political strategy when the president of the United States is doing it. 
So, while socialism may not be taking over the Democrats, it's fun watching people pretend that it is. Like it has been for the past 8 decades.